Modern Loneliness Is Good Business

Homeostasis.

That word sauntered into my lexicon during a Biology class in the October of 2010. I remember the teacher, Doc Blessing Mutangiri, giving a detailed explanation of the term while pacing about the lab like Sgt. Hartman in Full Metal Jacket. “Any process used by living things used to actively maintain stable conditions that ensure survival.” … internal temperature regulation and the like. Cause if your body temp shoots to 60 or drops to 20 for more than a few minutes, you’re 100% DEAD.

Then Doc dropped a doozy. Say you find yourself in a hot room. Natural thing is you sweat, right? Well, what if someone decided to place a sizable ice cube on your neck in that hot room? You’d actually find yourself shivering in a bit, my muchacho. What’s happened is that what was supposed to be blood at a raised temperature rushing to the brain has become the opposite. The signal has been tampered with and your body regulates accordingly. Your brain thinks you’re cold, but you’re not.

Cool. But what does this have to do with modern loneliness i.e. the state of feeling lonely and detached even (especially) in the presence of company?

Quite a bit.

I didn’t want to sound like a drunk freshman and just harp on about loneliness in an attempt to sound deep, so I did a little bit of digging about the subject. Turns out we weren’t the first generation to worry about community, or the lack of it thereof. A number of thinkers and researchers (mostly Western but the rest of the world is not the complete opposite of the West) have been sounding alarm bells in the last 30 years or so. In fact, the Martin Scorsese movie Taxi Driver could be considered an early warning about the death of community. A dark and deranged character feels so detached from society but wants to be a hero. Lacking community and armed with a newfound sense of purpose, he goes off the rails and proceeds to commit violent crimes (compare and contrast with The Joker). The lonesome brooding figure in class or the bus is probably invisible to the rest of the world. Or so they think. The awareness of loneliness was gripping society, and there was no simple solution in sight.

At some point the Internet entered the chat.

The vision of a global village inched close to reality. To genuinely connect, unfettered by geography, religion, culture, or politics…now that would be an antidote to loneliness.

The future looked bright. Until it didn’t. Apologies for stating the obvious, but we’re lonely as hell now. Ironically, social media is now chock full of posts about how social media is fake and divisive. That sounds as sensible as eating more ice cream right after brain freeze kicks in. Now, I’m not trying to sound like your pastor who delivered sermons about the new evil called Facebook a couple of years ago (before a pandemic hit and he had to use Facebook Live to reach you). I know the internet has its nice moments, LinkedIn (which is also a source of mad career pressure) wholesome TikTok challenges, and all. But holy shit, way too many eggs are being broken for a tiny omelette. Romance is gamified, and how you look on your Instagram profile is largely responsible for the state of your DMs. We are judging every book by the cover now. And you wonder why making friends in real life is such a bloody chore. It’s all covers and no books, buddy. Then it hits you: you’re actually lonely in real life. You don’t really know 99% of the people you think you know and they don’t know you either. Yet they have a monopoly on your leisure time and mental health. The scary thing is that this is all so normal in 2023.

Okay, there’s the issue. If we’re gonna apply the idea of homeostasis to the situation, this is right about the time society tries to self-regulate. But there’s the giant ice cube on the neck straight from the refrigerator of capitalism. We know we’re feeling more isolated, but the tiny relief we get from what’s worsening the isolation is distorting the distress signal. Do you know who can’t live without a Netflix subscription, an expensive phone with a nice camera, paid mental health content, social media accounts and a shit ton of online purchases of non-essential stuff?

LONELY PEOPLE.

Not saying everyone who loves that stuff has their mental health hanging by a thread. Maybe you’re so above being affected by what’s popping up on your mobile device. But the fact of the matter is that jackets sell faster in winter. If it’s perpetually cold, that’s sweet news to jacket makers. So, the current hyper-consumerist internet cannot solve our loneliness problem for us. It needs the problem to remain. All we’ll get are jackets, not a recommendation to stay indoors or relocate to somewhere warmer. Because why should we be chilling outside with actual people when influencers need us to be following their every move and buying their overpriced (and mostly shitty) products? Humans exist to experience life and all it has to offer. Consumers exist to spend and spend again. And be reminded they need more stuff. What do you think we are in the eyes of those who seek profit?

I wish this thing of us being lonely only ended with us buying stuff we don’t need. That’s not so terrible. Spend how you wish. Sure, you might end up broke and unhealthy. Which is quite the combination. What I truly fear is the complete erasure of individuality that leaves people at the mercy of cult leaders, scammers, extremists, charlatans, and authoritarian governments. And now that almost everything has cult vibes and extreme opinions are normalized, anyone can be prey. Even the smart ones among us. It’s the state of mind that we should be guarding jealously. Business can go on as usual, but we need to be honest with ourselves about how we’re feeling. Actually, business shouldn’t go on as usual. Loneliness is good business, but for who?

Then What?

I’m not the guy who’ll tell you to withdraw from modern society and join a hippie commune. No. I still need you to own an electronic device so you can keep reading my insightful blog posts. Otherwise I’ll end up listening to a stupid ex who suggested I leave writing and grow up. I hope she ends up with a boring husband as she deserves. Point is, I’m not in a position to be your Buddha (or maybe I am). But I opine that we could all do with a break from timelines and link up with people in real life. Not so we can be performative about social media detox and judge the "fake world" as if we’re not a part of it. Understanding that we also need to actively work on ourselves before demanding change from others is key.

Not liking people doesn’t mean you have such a great mind and personality that only a select few can appreciate. You could just be a socially awkward prick. Or not. Let’s be positive, eh?

That said, acting like everything that happens on our phones isn’t real or important might seem like a smart approach, but it simply can't work for everyone. Deciding what matters is more like it, in my own humble opinion. To be less mindless about how we spend our time (and emotions). To have values that are not entirely based on some bullshit internet standards set by strangers. Look, you can get milk from many cows but try to make your own butter. The absence of notifications is not the absence of value, joy or purpose.

Chances are the person next to you on the bus hasn’t had a real convo in a few days. You don’t get to be alone in feeling lonely. Doesn’t mean you should start a convo, though. I’m not responsible for whatever response you may get.

All I’m trying to say in more than a few words is maybe we need to talk to each other (and ourselves). Not at each other. Dear reader, I sincerely hope you find yourself in good company or at least feel less crappy about yourself in a bit. Because it may be hard to see who’s good for you (online or in real life) if you’re not good for you. But don’t worry- I’m sure there’s a product out there that can help with that (winks at Amazon).